How changing the voice in your head boosts weight loss and self esteem.

“Do you feel at peace in your body?” I asked Susan (not her real name). 

“No! Whenever I see myself in photos, I hate it,” she said.

“What does the voice in your head say when you see yourself in photos?” I asked.

“Oh my God, my bum’s so big” and 

“My belly’s so fat - who’d love me like this?”

“My face looks puffy and old these days.”

The voice of the inner critic can attack us and others. The problem is, overly high levels of self-criticism can drive even more weight gain and further reduce self esteem. 

How so?

Because you hear that inner critic all the time and it’s not always an uplifting voice. Chances are good you wouldn’t speak to anyone else like that!

Here’s some example inner critic commentary my clients have shared with me:

“My awful, thinning hair.”

“I can’t go out and meet new people. I’m too shy and boring.

Anyway, all the nice guys are taken. ” 

“I’ve lost all my good looks, I may as well enjoy my food.” 

And the common, 

“I’m in a rut but I’m too old to change.

I’m stuck with where I am in life.”

Commentary like this actually drives unhelpful coping behaviours like binge eating and zoning out in front of the tv for hours because listening to that voice is stressful and disempowering.

Vicious Circle

Often, the inner critic creates a dip in mood triggering more self-criticism that triggers a further dip in mood.

Consider what that inner critic is doing to;

• Your willingness to apply for a promotion or new job. To start your own business.

• Your ability to create a new friendship circle if you’re feeling you’d like one. 

• The likelihood of you moving to a new place to follow your dreams.

• The chances of you admitting you’d like to meet that special someone.

• You believing in yourself enough to admit you need support to handle stress and change the way you’re living.

The MOST important relationship you have.

We all have an inner critic. Understanding what it’s actually there for and how it’s trying (sometimes brutally) to protect us is an important first step to transforming the most important relationship you have - the one with yourself.

You’ve been with you every day of your life and you’ll be with you every day into your future.  That’s longer than your best friend, spouse or kids. That’s why this is the number one, most important relationship you have.

A large part of my work as a women’s wellbeing coach, is to show my clients how to develop a healthy, supportive relationship with themselves - because what we say in our head is critical to our wellbeing and how we live our lives.

How to deal with the inner critic.

When you hear the inner critic;

1. Get perspective by asking yourself- how do I know that’s actually true? Is it just a little over the top? Is it true all the time, in all circumstances? eg Has anyone over 40 ever lost weight or changed their life; started dating again/ had a promotion or started a new job etc? 

 Notice if your inner critic is unnecessarily cruel and/or a catastrophiser. 

1. Question the facts. What lets you know you’re overweight/ not performing well enough at work/ not a good friend etc (substitute whatever the inner critic is berating you about.) Ask yourself - is there another way to see this?
   

2. Here’s something else to try (I find it has the power to radically transform our every day experience of life.) Change the dynamic by showing radical appreciation for your body and everything it’s given you instead of criticising it. For me, this includes two healthy children and the joy I get from experiencing the world via my 5 senses - the taste of my favourite food and coffee.  My vision and favourite seaside views and colours. My hearing and the sound of calming music and podcasts. The smell of my favourite perfume and of a freesia- heaven! I’m grateful that my body allows me to move around and that I’m not static. Anytime I want, I can do yoga, go for a walk or a swim - I have options. I’m not stuck, thanks to this amazing body…I consider all the ways my body takes care of stuff just on its own. Digestion, respiration, detoxification. I don’t have to do the maths on any of this - it just gets taken care of.  

When we gratefully acknowledge all our body is taking care of for us,

it’s just not possible to nag and bitch at our reflection so much.

So when you look in the mirror,

deliberately say something kind to yourself.

It’s a practice. It’s not easy but it gets easier.

Try it!

Susan’s changed the way she talks to herself. If she ever sees herself looking imperfect or carrying too many pounds - instead of bitching at her image, she says,

”I need to ramp up my self care. I need more me time.”

When we re-frame how we talk to ourselves about our body, our body loves it!

When we focus on nourishment, not counting calories, our body responds by letting go of those first inspiring pounds. 

When we love our bodies by gently moving every day - emphasis on gentle - our body notices a new pattern and responds accordingly by developing muscle tone and fitness. Through carrying out little, seemingly unimportant self care activities like drinking water and eating well, our mind gets on board and the inner critic becomes an inner friend who praises us for our efforts and this is one of the best ways I know to help my clients build self esteem.

Here’s the key…

There’s a correlation between criticising yourself / your life

 and how you treat yourself.

When our inner critic is loudest, we mistreat ourself with

junk, isolation, gossiping, over drinking and the rest.

When we’re grateful for our body and express gratitude in our inner chatter, our body responds.

It responds even more as we show we are listening to its messages. 

Listening to your body’s messages.

Your body speaks to you in hunger, tiredness, fatigue, over- eating (can sometimes mean your body is actually over fed and under nourished and is looking for vital nutrients.) unhealthy coping strategies for stress like binge eating or over drinking and aches and pains and yes, weight gain. Weight gain is just your body’s way of talking to you. When you listen, you’ll start to notice how gently your body nudges you every day.

You’ll hear the gentle;

“I’m full now - you can stop eating even though there’s still food on your plate.” and

 “I’m really hungry now - I need food - don’t delay.

Sit down and feed me something nourishing now.” Or

 “I’m really tired- I could use an early night even though I want to watch the next episode of this TV show.” 

It’s an act of self respect to tune

into your body’s messages and follow through

on what your body’s saying.

Is it time for you to overhaul how you speak to yourself?

Many of my clients tell me they’ve never felt at peace in their body. When they look  at photos of themselves in their younger years, they're amazed to see how slim they were and yet they didn’t feel like they were in the right sized body then either!

“I don’t remember ever feeling at peace in my body, Elizabeth” they say. 

“Come to think of it, I feel like I’ve been on a diet since I was 18!”

In our society, there’s pressure to be thin despite being a healthy weight. This leads us to feel like we're in a battle with our body and with food. It discourages us from listening to our body’s genuine request for nourishment.

We starve ourselves to drop a stone for a big event and then put it all back on.

Being overweight does come with health risks so we do need to address it. But healthy, sustainable weight loss is done by considering our whole selves- our lifestyle, our levels of stress and our coping strategies for stress, not deprivation.

That’s why I re-frame weight loss as a journey of extreme self care. I help my clients set their lives up so it supports long term wellbeing and healthy weight. Together, we discover what triggers their stress and I teach strategies to prevent and deal with self sabotage because that comes up for all of us too. 

Whatever changes my clients want to make - including weight loss over 40 - I help them relax so they feel ready to let go of anything they want to including bad habits, feeling stuck in their lives and excess weight.

With weight loss, my coaching involves self care and nourishment, not calorie counting because restrictive calorie controlled diets and skipping meals cause even more stress in our bodies and actually turn off fat burning. Same goes for exercise - I don’t recommend high intensity, militant forms of movement. I emphasise finding a way you love to move so that it’s always a pleasure. This reduces stress and increases pleasure in life.

Food for New Thought

If being on diets hasn’t gotten you anywhere except feeling miserable and deprived, ask yourself these questions:

• Is it time for me to finally live at peace in my body?
  

• If the answer is yes, what might that look like right now?
  

• What might you have to de-prioritise in your life to make this happen?
  

• What support and accountability might you need to finally live at peace in your body?
  

And yes, everything I’ve said in this post applies if weight loss is not your goal. Practising self care and turning down the volume of the negative inner critic helps us build self esteem and confidence to get a new job/ go for a promotion/ change where we live, create uplifting new friendships and live the life we’ve dreamed of too! 

Until next time, remember to step back from your inner critic and question if what it’s saying is true especially if it’s feeling catastrophic or making you feel stressed, alone, or down. 

Ask the inner critic - what’s your real message ? What needs to change so that I can  finally live at peace with myself? 

Be kind to yourself. Always.